What I fear the most
by The Yuki
Summary: Shinji is haunted by memories of Toji and is given a second chance by a mysterious voice...Please R&R!
1. Insomnia

**Welcome to the first fanfic that I actually completed and was satisfied with. Please enjoy.**

**Disclamier: None of the Evangelion characters belong to me. But I'll get over it someday. I swear I will.**

Here I was. Misato's apartment, my room, my bed, and the usual complete silence. For the first time that I could remember, it wasn't scorching hot, but a nice in-between temperature; too cold to sleep nude, too hot to sleep fully clothed. So there I lay, blanket covering me half-way, once again staring at the ceiling.

'How long have I been here?' I asked myself.

'Perhaps a year and a half,' I answered. And still, I couldn't call this a home. The only home I ever had was with mother, not a woman who worked with me. Even though I'd known her so long, I had never really known her. There was still so much she felt she had to hide from me, like her feelings for Dr. Kaji and all of her mixed feelings about working for NERV. I was tired of Misato's mistrust, Asuka's perpetual fury, I was tired of just about everything.

It was times like this that I liked to back to that time, that one time with mother… everything in my head went white. Soon enough, I saw myself and then the outline of a thin woman with short hair.

"_You've done enough._"

Yes, I had done enough. Mother was always right.

"_You just want to rest, body and soul."_

Such a good idea. I was tired, physically, mentally, spiritually, in all senses of the word.

"_Just rest. You don't have to go back. You can stay here. Forever."_

What a nice concept that was, to just stay here with mother eternally. That was usually the thought that lulled me to sleep, but it didn't work this time. I tried again and again, starting over from my blank white nothingness, but on the third try, I lost control.


	2. Voice of an Angel

Yes, everything was white, and I was there, but Mother's shape wasn't. It just wasn't. A voice was slowly murmuring something I couldn't understand, but the voice sounded like Kaworu.

"K-Kaworu?" I tried to visualize myself saying. But I was still just standing, staring blankly at the white infinity in front of me, inhaling and exhaling, and finally I heard a response.

"Why are you scared of everything?" he asked in the usual calm tone. Despite his kind voice, this vision was disturbing me, so I opened my eyes. At least, I tried to open my eyes. I ended up just frustrating Kaworu.

"Why are you scared of everything?" he asked again. I tried opening my eyes again, remembering that it was all just my mind's creation, but still nothing happened. I started to panic.

"I said, why are you scared of everything?" he asked with an edge to his voice.

Too frightened by Kaworu's anger to keep worrying about this strange nightmare, I responded with a quivering

"I don't know."

"Yes, you do. Think long and hard. What exactly are you afraid of?"

"Well, I'm not really afraid of anything now, except the usual junior high things like quizzes, tests, crushes, finals, and friendships. Everything's the way it's supposed to be, so I'm not scared anymore. The only thing haunting me is bad memories, but I rarely get those. I'm just fine.

"That's a lie. It's just a lie that you tell yourself feel better, a little untruth to build up your ego."

"N-no it's not!"

"I know it is. You're afraid that all those memories will become realities again, that you'll be forced to witness the deaths if more people you love, and risk the lives of everyone around you. You're afraid that things will go wrong again and that you'll be forced to witness more destruction, even if you're just a bystander," the Kaworu's voice stated with a somewhat taunting air. I didn't know what to say to that. I knew it wasn't true, it was completely wrong, but my brain still couldn't form anything sensible in response, so I spat out a

"That's wrong!"

"No, it isn't. Think." The voice faded slowly as it released the last word, leaving me alone in my white endlessness. I still couldn't wake up. Frustrated, I threw myself on the "ground". I decided that, having nothing better or even mildly significant to do, I would consider Kaworu's remarks.

Maybe I was a little afraid, but I wouldn't say I was 'scared of everything'; that was a huge overstatement. I was a little traumatized by what I had seen, that was only normal, and of course I was a little afraid something similar would take place, but that was also normal. Or was it? Maybe I was being paranoid? I wasn't the kind to worry though, I couldn't remember the last time I was actually worried for my own sake, so what Kaworu said couldn't be true, could it? Then again, I reminded myself that this was all created by my own mind, so somewhere in the back of my head, I must have believed it, or else I wouldn't have thought it up. Or maybe I didn't, maybe this was reality. No, it couldn't be, even in the strange times I had lived through. I was suddenly able to open my eyes for real this time. After a while, I fell asleep.


	3. Just another day

The next day began like any other- Asuka woke me up noisily, I ate an instant breakfast, and walked off to school with a complaining Asuka. It continued like normal, I walked into class, sat down, and was pretty much ignored. It seemed like everything was like usual, but then I looked around. Afraid that maybe this was a continuation of the nightmare, I opened my eyes, but they just got wider. It was real. And it was Toji Suzuhara, the boy I had grudgingly traded my life with.

"You ok, Shinji? Why the big eyes?" I had been too busy being shocked to notice that he had actually approached me.

"Well… why are you here?"

"Aww, that hurt, Shinji. I don't cut school that often."

"But that angel possessed your eva and …!"

"What are you talkin' about, Shinji? Are you crazy? I've never piloted an eva, you know that!"

"But Dad made me kill you, and my eva destroyed you!"

"Sound like a weird nightmare. Get a grip," he grinned, patting my shoulder. Even though it was nice to have him back, I was a little uncomfortable. I _knew_ I had killed him, so why had he been standing there, talking to me? He didn't exist anymore, he couldn't exist! I tried spend the rest of the day like any other, ignoring that my friend was back from the dead.

It was kind of fun, being at school without having the weight of having killed on my chest, Once again, I was the class idol, "calm, cool, mysterious-eva-pilot" Shinji instead of "that-guy-who-had-to-kill-Toji" Shinji. What was happening? Was life giving me a second chance to be happy? What a blessing.

And soon, school was over. The bell rang and then I was walking home with Toji and Kensuke. As usual, Ken-kun was going on and on about the newest Gundam figurine he was saving up for, Toji was griping about an upcoming test, and I was intently listening but remaining silent. I was really enjoying Toji's company, having not seen him in so long, so it was a relief when Kensuke turned around the corner to go home. Just as I started to open my mouth to talk, Toji heaved a sigh of relief, turned to me, and grabbed my shoulders with a hurt expression.

'Oh, God no, what's wrong this time?' I thought.

"Say, Ikari-kun? Could you come over to my place tonight? Something big happened, and I want to tell you," he said with sad eyes.

"W-why can't you just tell me here?" I asked, afraid.

"Because… I'm not ready. Bye, Shinji." He turned left onto his home street, leaving me alone to pray that I wouldn't relive the past.

Ello, minna-san. Yes, I am leaving you with a bunch of angst. How evil. This was actually the first fanfic I've ever written that I finished and actually approved of. Yay. I might not update for a while, have a lot of stuff to do. Either way, hope everyone's enjoying the fic! Luv, nanodaneko

PS, this isn't going to turn into a shounen-ai fic. Just thought I'd let you know, what with all the "come over to my place tonight" stuff. My shounen-ai fic is gonna be my Tokyo Babylon one.


	4. Repetition

I opened the door with a quiet

"Tadaima", not that anyone would answer me. Misato was elsewhere, Asuka never gave a damn where I was or what I was doing, and PenPen, while quite excited about my return, didn't have the brain capacity to speak Japanese. But it was alright, I was used to this, and I ended up silently answering myself. I sat down in my room and did my homework, and within an hour, the phone rang. Knowing it was Toji-kun, I answered it.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Ikari-kun. Uh, come on over now." Feeling a knot form in my stomach, I replied,

"Oh- alright. I'll… I'll be there right away." and hung up. Maybe, if I was lucky, I could change something. I wouldn't just give up on Toji, and let him die. That's what old Shinji would do, "that-guy-who-had-to-kill-Toji" Shinji would do. I was not him. I would try to be another Shinji, a better Shinji. I put on my jacket, wrote Misato an "I'll be home after dinner" note, and headed over to Toji's house with a determination that I haven't experienced in a long time.

Toji opened the door with a red face, a quivering smile, and a

"Hey… come in." I did as he requested, followed him into his room, and kneeled on a stiff little patterned cushion. Before I even noticed, we had begun conversing about a number of things, none of which involved Evas or the war against the angels. After a while, we paused, and he left for the kitchen to make some instant curry for our dinner. We ate together, still chatting, until I realized that it was already 9. I put on my jacket, walked outside, and started to go home; but before he could shut the door, I turned around and came back to remind him why he had invited me over in the first place.

"Wait, Toji-kun! What'd you have to say to me that was so important and private?" All of the joy on his face leftover from seeing a close friend was wiped off, replaced by wet eyes and a trembling frown. Propping the door open with a small, dark object I couldn't quite make out, Toji walked over to me, placed his hands on my shoulders, and began crying. I knew this scene all too well, but right now, there was nothing I could do.

"I've… I've…" he began, choking on his sobs but trying desperately to tell me what was going on.

"You've been chosen as an Eva pilot, haven't you?"

"Yes!" he cried, sobbing into my shoulder. Toji was breaking down again, letting down the shield and mask, letting the weak little boy inside of him take over. After a while, Toji pulled back his head and asked,

"Did Misato-san tell you?"

"No, but… I've been here before." Toji raised an eyebrow at me, and said,

"Huh?"

"N-nothing. Besides, you're not gonna believe me," I frowned, turning my head.

"I don't care. I might believe you. Come back inside," he insisted, pulling me back into his apartment and shutting the door. Back into his room, I kneeled again on the still-warm cushion and stared out his window at the night sky, until Toji asked suspiciously,

"What exactly were you talking about?" I told him all that had happened in the last day or so, that otoosan would force my mecha to kill him, and the horrible things that would occur in the future before everything was right. At first he looked at me like I was crazy, then with the look of a trusting friend. There was lingering silence, and then he asked,

"So you really think I'm gonna die, and by _your_ hands?"

"I know it's going to happen, unless we can make you lose your qualification, or something." Tears filled his eyes, and he sobbed,

"I really don't want to die! I wanna live, with you and Kensuke and Hikari and Ayanami and even Asuka-chan!"

"That's why I told you all this, because we need to save you."

After sitting in a serious silence for a while, I stood up and was soon on my way home.

Hello, it's me, the Yuki! I'm sorry I haven't updated in so long, I've been extremely busy with homework and such. This chapter's a little bit corny, but the story gets better. I promise.


	5. Once an Accident, Twice a Murder

As I expected, I came home to a silent, dark, and stuffy house. I stood in the doorway for a while, letting my eyes adjust to the darkness, then shut the door and walked into my room without a sound. Feeling lazy, I just threw all my clothes (except my boxers) to the foot of my bed and lay down without brushing my teeth, showering, or even feeding PenPen. I could do all that tomorrow; right now I was too tired. I just sort of laid there for an hour. If I was so tired, why the hell couldn't I get to sleep? I figured that maybe I was too hot, so I got up and turned on the A/C. I fell asleep after a while.

The next morning was an exact repeat of the last, so much so that I found myself praying that I wasn't reliving yesterday; but I soon knew I wasn't. I saw the angst in Toji's eyes, saw Kensuke eying Toji suspiciously, wondering what was wrong, and saw… Kaworu? Kaworu was sitting in the very back of the class, his gentle but simultaneously smug eyes wandering around the room in a somewhat apathetic fashion. Hoping he wouldn't notice me, I sat down in my normal seat and tried to forget about Kaworu and focus on Toji's problem. After about an hour of fruitless brain-wracking, I decided that maybe I'd give up on him, let myself kill him, and just be over with all of this. I could cover my eyes, plug my ears, whatever, and that way I wouldn't have to know I was killing him. I could pretend that I was only taking the life of an angel, not a dear friend's with it… no, I couldn't do that. I momentarily scolded myself for having such atrocious thoughts, but then continued pondering for the rest of the school day. When it occurred to me that I hadn't come up with anything by the time the school bell rung, I began panicking. Otherwise, the day went the same as it as when I had lived it previously, until it came time to fight Toji. It was just the same, all the same. The same chaos, the same dread in my heart and knot in my stomach. All the same, except for one thing. My screen was flashing in the lower right corner, and slowly Toji's face materialized.

"Toji?"

"Hi, Shinji. I know I don't have much time, but I just had to tell you something. Please don't try to save me. If I'm not killed, this angel may end up causing horrible things, maybe even starting a Third Impact. Please, just let it all go the way it's supposed to, without giving it a second thought or being sad. You've been a wonderful friend; please just carry out my last request." He disappeared from the screen before I could reply.

'No way,' I thought. I wouldn't be able to live myself, knowing that I had just let him die _twice_, even if it was his choice. But suddenly, the past was replaying itself before my eyes. I was refusing to kill him, and Father took over, and soon, once again, I was brutally killing him: stomping, ripping, smashing, and tearing his eva, along with him. It was too much for me; my brain overloaded and I passed out.


	6. Take care of yourself

When I should have woken up, seen the hospital's unfamiliar ceiling, heard blurred voices discussing my health, I instead had another strange vision. All white, seeing myself stand, motionless, again.

"Wh-what do you want?" I asked.

"The truth. That terrified you, didn't it?"

"Well, no one wants to kill their own friends?"

"Don't play all macho, Shinji. You had another chance. Once again, you ruined it, and you're still scared."

Feeling anger well up in side of me, I paused a while, then yelled,

"Who are you, anyway!"

"Who do you think I am?" asked Kaworu's comforting yet simultaneously frightening voice.

"You're not Kaworu! You sound like him, but you can't be! He's not cruel to me like this, he was so kind, and besides, even though he's an angel, I doubt he could make me relive the past!" I cried.

"Honestly…"

"What?"

"I'm you, Shinji." Everything disappeared, and I opened my eyes. Misato's apartment, my room, my bed, and the usual complete silence. Then I heard Asuka, I saw her burst into my room, and she yelled at me to get up. I got ready and went to school. I looked around; neither Toji nor Kaworu were in the classroom. Things were back to normal, or at least what I had seen as normal for a year or so now.

All the sadness, all the anger, all the fear, all of it, was dead.

And sensei was talking, once again.

* * *

Well, that's the end. Hope you all liked it, eh? Please review it. 


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